The Story Behind the Story…

So my first post, perhaps needs some background.  I first penned that piece on June 9th of this year, as I sat on my couch the words flowed.  I did not share it with anyone until I made it my first post here.  As the words flowed it seemed natural and it felt as if my heart were being moved away from the midwest.  As i read it in it’s finality the words “What is happening to this world and why am I here among these stuck in the midwest, yet somehow loving it, for it’s sense of simplicity and jazz and heart beatings. ” It struck me, that movement was happening, I have grown reconciled to living in the midwest and find glimpses of purpose in it, but in the same breath my heart felt restless. i don’t believe God intends for me to feel stuck and insecure, which is why i believe those words flowed, breathing life to the feeling i had long denied.  To be comfortable in my stuckness and insecurity was rendering me maimed and useless to the Kingdom.  i don’t believe that the only way to become unstuck or to shake my insecurities is to pack up and move westward, but i do believe in this instance it is part of my journey back to the heart of Jesus and how he intends to use me in this life.  Since late 2010 i have felt like i was on a pilgrimage with Jesus, but it felt like it was going nowhere until I wrote the aforementioned piece.  After i wrote, read, studied, and analyzed those words i knew God was going to shake things up inside of this soul.  At that moment i had no idea where my heart would be headed in a little less than a month.  Honestly, it’s still not all clear, but i do know i am headed West and God has something in store for my life out there.  i have hope that my faith will be restored in the bride of Christ out there somewhere.  i believe that while i have been in the wilderness of this pilgrimage for the last three years that God is moving me toward the light and i believe that what i have encountered in the wilderness of this pilgrimage will forever change how i interact with His Kingdom and with Him.  So i am heading to Wyoming without really knowing why, but i believe the answer lies in Jesus.  People have said why Wyoming?, and well, i have lots of answers to their question of why, but if i’m honest none of them are the truth.  They just happen to be good ways to explain in a logical way why, but honestly there is nothing logical about this.  For the first time in my life, i’m actually doing something without knowing the why, but rather just feeling the call.  i also feel the hope welling up inside of my soul erasing the cynicism that has overtaken my belief during this time in my pilgrimage, this time of wilderness wandering…i believe i’m nearing the other side.  i believe all these thoughts and feelings God has been spinning in my heart, will finally have a reason and will finally be reconciled to Him.  In the meantime as i wait for May, things are hard, i struggle everyday, but i’m learning that He is enough and that i can take heart.  i’ve learned it’s okay to keep asking and asking and asking until something happens.  Most days things don’t go the way i think they should, but somehow i always wind up feeling loved and cared for and even though my heart is in the struggle, i am learning to give it to Him.  Something in me wants to worry, but i know that is not from God and i know Jesus has saved a wretch like me and the only way to go is Westward till i find that the worry is relieved in Him.  In faith i breathe, even though none of it really makes sense right now, i believe a beautiful story is being written and i’m walking into it by His mercy and grace.  i will always love the midwest, but it has never and will never be home, nor will Wyoming, but as i move westward i know i am becoming unstuck and i’m facing all those insecurities with Jesus.

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