Lately a David Crowder Band song has been on repeat in my car, my heart, on my computer, and in my head…Foreverandever Etc.  If you haven’t heard it go listen to it now; i’ve embedded it at the bottom of this entry.  This song captures so much of my heart lately.  The idea that letting go gives a better grip is pretty counterintuitive and countercultural, but the truth is that when we are in Christ it is counterintuitive and countercultural and we have to make a choice about who’s we want to be.  i can choose to take control of my life and make the decisions i want or i can let go…i can give up and find that i’m gaining everything.  i have found personally, that where i want to be is at His feet…the world can fade away as long as i am sitting at the feet of Jesus.  This is a new leaf in my life, it’s been a long time getting here.  i am one prone to worry and prone to try and control my fate, but i’m learning “i am finding everything i’ll ever need by giving up gaining everything falling for you for eternity right here at your feet where i want to be i am yours.”  i’m not always sure if what i am doing is of me or of God, but what i am beginning to figure out is that if i live my life as a drink offering poured out before my Savior that the little circumstantial things in my life don’t really matter as much as i once wanted to believe.  i have spent too much time waiting for confirmation from above and worrying that the things i am chasing are just out of selfishness; i have squandered so much of the life i’ve been given.  i don’t want to live like that anymore.  i’ve come to realize that if i am sitting at the feet of Jesus and i am in rhythm with Him then i can act freely and his spirit will sanctify me as i love on him and his Kingdom.  No more worrying…no more inaction…i’m giving that up and i’m getting a better grip–i’m resting at his feet, and that is good news.

What does this song have to do with the pilgrimage westward?  Well i find myself focusing on the line that says “giving up gaining everything”, and something deep within me knows that is what is happening.  Most everything i truly love is in Kansas and Missouri, and a part of my soul feels like it is giving it up to gain everything.  For all the reasons that i gave myself and others for moving to Wyoming, there is something in me that knows i would go if none of that were true…especially the part about my mom being willing to move there.  If she said tomorrow that it wasn’t an option, my heart still knows it has to go and thankfully i know she would support my decision and pray for me.  i do hope that eventually she will move there, but even if not, i have to go and see and seek.  i have to be at his feet because i do feel like  “i’m on the brink of something large maybe like the breaking of a dawn or a match being lit or the sinking of a ship”.  So although i am constantly full of wanderlust, i’ve never truly been moved to act upon it…this time, however out of character it is for me, i must act.  i know the story God is writing and the story i’m living out is one worth sharing…the journey/adventure doesn’t start in Wyoming, it started the moment life was breathed into it and plans began unfolding.  i want to make the most of the time i have in this place where everything i truly love is and i believe that is happening as i let go and get a better grip…

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