Rise Again…Move On…Move Forward…

Some weeks leave your head spinning as you attempt to scratch it in wonder of what just happened. For me it was that kind of week.  It may not be conceivable, but this week i went through a marriage, birth, divorce and death.  As i find myself at the end of it, i realize that it is no coincidence that these things have all happened in the same week and that it was this week.  As i burrow through my thoughts back to last Sunday when i recognized and acknowledged my spiritual crisis it feels like a lifetime has passed.  So many things are different for me in this moment from where i started last Sunday.

There is difficulty in articulating fluently all these emotions through marriage, birth, divorce and alas death.  How is it possible to fully understand the desire that God has for my life? How do i know what is my desire and what is His?  What if, i, in what i believe to be faith, knock, ask, and expect to receive am met with emptiness?  These questions pinging around my head, have been there as long as i can remember, i just tend to bury them.  In reading Beth Moore’s Believing God, i came face to face with them once more and jumped headlong into the spiritual crisis i’d long been trying to avert.  So last Sunday i wrote about the ongoing crisis and then i attempted to leave those words, these thoughts and my crisis on the page of my moleskine.  However, nothing is quite so neatly put aside or away when i find myself at the feet of my Saviour.  My confession is i long to hold on to the knowledge of who God is based upon scripture and what He’s done and is doing in the world; i find it difficult to do this when i relate myself to the Creator.  In my self-centeredness i want to understand all and have all and all the while want for nothing.  i desire that each of my prayers turn out the way i imagine them to, but that doesn’t leave room for Jesus.  That way of believing and hoping doesn’t let the Spirit be real to me in my every waking and sleeping. Instead i find the faith i’m living  looks like me controlling the outcome, while asking for plenty.  So the crisis arises within me.  Can i believe that the Spirit is in me and is the Helper and that God’s desires for me are more amazing than the things and the life i dream about right before my eyes shut for slumber?  Do i believe in the Helper working in my life like i believe in how the same Helper moved in the early Church in Acts and the rest of the New Testament?  i want that truth for my life and i want to live it out daily.  This week was a beginning of living in that in spite of the crisis and the resistance.

It’s funny that something has always been about this one thing even when i couldn’t see it myself.  This pilgrimage westward continues to stretch me and teach me.  When i think it’s only about teaching me this or that, i begin to find that it’s about so much more.  The more steps forward i take, the closer i feel to the things the Helper has been leading me into all this time.  

I found myself on Sunday embracing and marrying who God is all over again.  I embraced and wed that i actually want what God desires for my life, not what i think i best for me.  In that i prayed to divorce my right to myself and the thoughts of my own desires.  So in a single breath i found myself divorced, but alive and wedded to a better future.  It is a daily prayer that His desires for my life triumph over my short sightedness.  As i prayed these things there was momentum westward in my physical life as well.  i interviewed for a position at a school in Wyoming and God was birthing opportunity in my life.  i was at a crossroads wondering what comes next, wondering if i even want to stay in education, wondering what God desires.  So i prayed the Helper would lead and that God would take the burden of choice from me, that i would know by their response to my interview.  So i find myself trusting God as i move forward in the opportunity birthed in my journey this week.  Then today i encountered death.  It wasn’t a physical death or funeral, but real all the same.  It was a letting go of a prayer i’d been praying for too long.  It was the death of the hope that he who my heart had longed and desired to be the one, simply isn’t the one.  So i had a funeral in my mind and i cremated all those feelings that were pining only for him.  

On the other side of the week i find myself looking back, celebrating marriage and birth while at the same time lamenting the difficulty of divorce and death.  Looking forward i have hope that i am becoming who God desires me to be and that this story isn’t even really started; we are just a few pages into it all.  i expect there to be tension and maybe i’ll even return to my vomit a time or two, but i’m going to rise again and keep moving on and moving forward.  i believe the Helper is with me in this pilgrimage and He is constantly speaking truth into my unbelief and constant questioning.  i feel Him gently reminding me “Be Still”.  i feel Him reminding me that i don’t believe in coincidence.  It is no accident that this week i found myself at a wedding, birth, divorce hearing, and funeral and in this moment as i face these truths i am sitting in between Good Friday and Easter Sunday looking at the cross knowing that there is nowhere else i need to be.


Needtobreathe–Rise Again
This is my anthem currently in this pilgrimage.


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