Sometimes in my life words fail, or maybe it’s not that they fail, it’s just that sometimes someone else’s words in a song captures my emotion more beautifully than any words i can produce. As i wade through feelings and emotions i feel the struggle and the resistance. i know logically that it is time to let go and let feelings die, yet he is my every thought. A Great Big World’s Say Something, hauntingly nails my emotions as i drudge through all these thoughts.
i am finding that death is more difficult than i ever thought it could be, even if it is just the death of hope, dreams and idealistic thoughts. i find as i grieve the loss of the hope that he was the one God had for me that questions begin to plague me in relation to God and myself. i am left wondering if i just wanted him to be the one i wound up with so bad that i actually made myself believe that God intended it also? i’m left questioning what’s wrong with me that he never wanted me or thought of me as anything more than a pen pal? Why would it feel like something to me and why would i feel it was from the Spirit, but it was never that way for him? i’m left wondering if i even actually hear from God or am Spirit led at all or have any discernment or do i simply say it’s God breathed because i want what i want. Maybe i’ll never truly know any of the answers…
This all feels so melodramatic to me, and i’ve never been one for melodrama or drama at all for that matter. There is such a tension, as i feel my life moving forward and know that God is the greatest author and the story He’s writing with my life is one that matters and one that is entering a new season of remarkableness. So it makes sense that this funeral is happening now as new life is being birthed, but it also feels like it should be different, like i should’ve wound up with him. So i believe that i know that i know that i know, but i also have insurmountable questions about the veracity of all of life.
Now i wonder what comes next and how can i let go? i really want to let go, but it’s my every thought. Today this photo
And my prayer continues to be “Lord help my unbelief even as i strongly believe!” That probably doesn’t make sense, but to me it is my truth.