i started this blog as a vehicle for me to write about the movement of my life westward, but in all actuality i’ve shared very little of that journey and where and who i’ve been during this phase of my life. It seems i’ve been in a writing funk. Attending Storyline Conference in Chicago just a couple weeks ago really challenged me to not be afraid of my words being imperfect or inadequate, but rather to let them be my truth.
So as i began to think about actually writing my truth, the first word that came to mind in thinking about this westward journey was–transformation: a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance. This journey has always been about transformation for me. Transformation from the inside out. Even when i didn’t really know it, it was still about transformation. What i’ve learned in this pilgrimage is that comfortable doesn’t make for transformation. At least not in my narrative. Comfortable led to complacency in my story. Complacency in the worst kind of ways. i lost who i was. i lost my passion. i lost my meaning. i lost my sense of purpose. i lost my love for humanity and the bride of Christ. Oh, but i found some things too. i found more cynicism. i found bitterness. i found emptiness. i found easy. i found self-defeating words. i found giving up. i found hopelessness. i’m not proud of this list of things. i quietly lived in and wallowed in them for the last 3-4 years before my pilgrimage westward began without even really noticing that was what i was doing. i have squandered far too much time, time that i will never get back, but time i will spend the rest of my days trying to make right, with the time i have, before my maker. As i moved and left all that i love and know, what i have learned is that life is so much more than what i love and know. Life is about so much more than building an existence that is comfortable and mostly easy. That is not said to diminish what i love and know, but it’s to say, i’ve learned that what i don’t already love and what i don’t already know have so much potential to add to my life and story. In Joplin i wasn’t willing to stretch myself and my worldview much, but here i have no choice, and i’m loving it while i wrestle with it. While i miss Friday salsa therapy sessions, GNA, coffee with Areke, SMS reunions, and time spent with my BFF, i’ve found i’m not alone. i am finding hope in Jesus i don’t think i would’ve found without this pilgrimage westward. There are lots of parts to this pilgrimage and transformation so this is the hook, to make you come back here each Wednesday as i write my truth and am vulnerable with whoever chooses to read. And if none read, then it’s simply my truth and that is beautiful too.