This is the first piece of writing in a series i started just before the summer months entitled Winter. i continued and continue to work on this series as it is a process for me as is every season and writing season in my life. i’ve been quite silent, but this will help explain that. Hopefully i am emerging from silence and from winter.
i got my inspiration for this series from an Al Andrews post you can read it here if it pleases you.
It’s been a long winter, i haven’t written, maybe because i’m just breathing. i’ve kept my thoughts, my emotions, my everything on lock. i haven’t been who i want to be, maybe because i don’t know who that is. i’m searching for sure, but i reach and reach and still i don’t know me. i have millions of thoughts everyday, but i can’t capture a single one. i get lost in music and emotions come alive, but for months i have hid from the music. i don’t want these emotions to be free. i think of him constantly and i am filled with regret for not changing. i want a goal, but i’m so confused and full of contradictions within myself that i don’t know where to begin and that’s my excuse i guess. It’s not a good one.
i could write about the winter. My winter that is. The winter that i found here. The winter i hoped wouldn’t really be, but is still. i’m not sure it’s over, but this is my attempt to find the spring before summer begins. i’m lost for purpose. Devoid of purpose i have recoiled into a hermit. No desire to know or be known, which isn’t exactly true but is easy to do for me anyway. i could just breathe in and out and get lost in the sound of my soul devoid of purpose. Full of wanderlust and yet hankering for roots. i’m a mess and i’m completely fine and this winter stirs within me.