Words Wednesday

Winter parte Tres

Sometimes we don’t recognize that which we are supposed to recognize. I look at everything around me take it all in but miss the point or the lesson. i try to figure out life on my terms and that is not the point which is why i think i’m missing it completely. i am attempting to learn to breathe deep breaths that make me mindful of what is really going on and what the next move will be.

Sometimes i want all the wrong things. i’m not sure why i want the wrong things, but i do. i start to believe the american dream is what i need, but it isn’t. my heart knows it leaves me empty and wanting and i’m so tired of being empty and wanting.

i’ve become too familiar with empty and wanting as i wander through this winter. i’ve lost who i am in the winter and the long season of empty and wanting. Perhaps i never knew who i was or am or want to be. Maybe i’ve always been moving blindly through this life, missing the point; missing my lesson.

Not to be depressing, there have been moments where i’ve felt i am me. Where life has meaning and spring rises within me. Moments where the american dream is furthest from me and purpose has meaning, not just meandering through it all.

Lately, i’ve been grappling with the idea that my meaning is not tied to what i do (as a career) or how many degrees i have or what my house looks like or where i’ve been. i’ve been thinking an 8 to 5 job with no glitz or glory really would free me up. Make a buck but have something left over to give of meaning. So i have to wonder what i’m waiting for.

Maybe i’m waiting for the blizzard to lift so i can see my way on the path i’m walking. Or maybe i’m afraid if i step to that it too will leave me missing the point of this walking and this being and this breathing. Sometimes i think i love the truth but others can’t hear it without being offended or worried for me. Realism is my home, but for some it is ugly, for some they can’t handle truth in it’s entirety. Maybe i’m waiting for the world to be able to handle truth without worry.

Maybe i’m waiting to recognize the point and the lesson because i get that i haven’t recognized it thus far into the journey.

Maybe winter is my solace and maybe it’s my excuse, but it is also my truth at the moment. When i’m lost; when i cease to exist as i thought i would, maybe it’s easier to avoid sharing the truth, not living in the truth, not sharing it in words and actions.

And maybe just maybe it’s all okay.
And maybe just maybe my spring is dawning and new truths are blossoming inside.
And maybe just maybe that is the point and the lesson.

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