Winter parte Cinco: It Comes in Waves.
It comes in waves; it doesn’t come ALL at once. i used to despise it, i wanted it ALL at once. All the answers and reasons and knowing and wisdoms. i needed it ALL at once, so i thought. It’s taken me the better part of 36 years to figure out that it comes in waves. And well, it’s truly better that way if i can just be okay with that. Life happens in waves—in seasons and i don’t get to have it ALL at once. In fact it’s best that i don’t have all the answers at once and it’s better if i don’t have it all figured out or even feel like i need to have it all figured out or look like i do. Sometimes all i have is the breath of air i breathe and that is simply enough.
Is my life what i thought it would be at 36? Not at all, so i breathe and that is enough. i stretch out my hand not knowing what will happen next, but being sure i will be restored and that is enough. i don’t know the reason or the answer, i don’t have the knowledge or the wisdom, but some how i feel deep in my bones that all is ok.
i’m learning in this season of winter. i know i can always go back if i strike out and it doesn’t turn out like i envisioned. It doesn’t have to be perfect and i’m not a failure unless i don’t try. There is peace in the struggle, even if it causes a forever limp to remind me of whence i came. ALL my ducks will never be in a row, though i crave neat and tidy, life comes in waves and knocks my rows undone. There is no way that my life will ever turn out like i dreamed when i was 18, 26, or 34 because those ships have sailed time and time again and i am so good with that. The life i have is different and worse and better and most of all it’s still full of hope. It’s not hopeful for the things i thought i needed and wanted and didn’t get, but rather for the unexpected that is happening and yet to come; like the first snow flake on my nose and those to come, never the same.
These dreams, i couldn’t dream them up on my own, for they are far better than what is stirred in my mind. So i’m learning to embrace the life that is, instead of seeking a safety net that seemingly caused my brief banishment into the winter of my discontent not fully living for fear of sinking into the throws of an unredeemable failure. But this current Winter i am in is different than the last, it is teaching me that everything can be redeemed. It’s teaching me to focus on the breathing in and out deeply of the moment, and of the living in the now, not on the needing ALL now and pushing failure at bay.
Honestly this truth comes in waves. Living, risking, being, breathing—it can’t ALL come at once and in that i am content.