Words Wednesday

i am thankful for moments…i wrote this yesterday…i am thankful for becoming…

Yesterday i was such an emotional mess–i was crying or just feeling like giving everyone and everything a big F.U.–nothing in between.

Honestly, i am still emotional–it is that time–i could cry right now just sitting here writing, listening to OneRepublic, and thinking about yesterday and this moment.

So many thoughts–the best part of being over-emotional are the 4Liners that are born.

Another good thing about this round is i really feel so over him.  In a lot ways i wonder what it was and why i have wasted so much of myself in this warped wanting.

i feel i can move on–even without regret.  Regret of wasted years and time and words and hopes–none of me feels regret.

i do wonder what is wrong with me–why did i cling to that–why did i break my rules for it? There are a lot of whys–but not regrets.

Honesetly, it is difficult to think about–what is wrong with me?  Everyone (or most everyone who knows me now) would repsond to that question with “nothing”–would even say i am normal.  i know that often we all experience many of the same emotions–i am not sure we all process them the same.

i know it is that time–emoitons are raw and there is no real middle of the road emotions.  These emotions are all charged–positive and negative.  And maybe i hate that because they are harder to control–harder to mask.  Perhaps what i really need is to give myself the space to feel them all so deeply that they nearly break me and then sit with them some more.  And in that not care what/if others think or do not think about me.

The myth is that there is a normal–some magical normal–to strive for when actually there is only a me to strive toward.  Most days i know who that me is pretty well and so honestly, i have the space to be me.  To feel a little crazy and feel like there is something wrong with me and still look into the world–live in this world–and be me.  To know this life i live is worth it.  To let go of the myth. To believe in me and the Love within.

Two or twenty minutes from now i may not feel so empowered, but i have this moment.  In  this moment i am free to be–over-emotional–under, not sure, broke, afraid of failure, and still so sure of the me i am and am becoming.

raw, real, true

heart and bones

skin and soul

always deeply me.

 

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